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| Monet's A View of the Seine |
In dreams I walk where time contracts
along the Seine, alone with you.
A wavy lily pond-green view
reflects us there, where light refracts
your changing face; and then subtracts
that impish grin, calm eyes I knew.
In dreams I walk where time contracts
along the Seine, alone with you.
Awake I walk where time attacks
my past with guilt; yet, I make do.
My thoughts dissolve to Paris blues.
On mornings there I can't extract
those dreams. I walk where time contracts
along the Seine, alone with you.
(c) Gay Reiser Cannon * All Rights Reserved
ABba abAB abbaA(B) Rondel
along the Seine, alone with you.
A wavy lily pond-green view
reflects us there, where light refracts
your changing face; and then subtracts
that impish grin, calm eyes I knew.
In dreams I walk where time contracts
along the Seine, alone with you.
Awake I walk where time attacks
my past with guilt; yet, I make do.
My thoughts dissolve to Paris blues.
On mornings there I can't extract
those dreams. I walk where time contracts
along the Seine, alone with you.
(c) Gay Reiser Cannon * All Rights Reserved
ABba abAB abbaA(B) Rondel
The flow in this poem is so smooth, you don't even think of it as being a strict form like a rondel. That's where a poem really works, when meter and rhyme and form are so subtle that the reader is only half-aware of them, and can instead focus on the feeling the poem evokes. Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sam. Good luck on the Salt thing. I voted for you. Your words are an inspiration to me and all the poets who read you. You are Wonderful! (BTW Ablution was so stunning it left me wordless).
ReplyDeletenice gay...this is a fabulous write...i agree ont eh smotth flow and like the choice rhymes esp atacks extracts....
ReplyDeletelovely rondel, gay. sounds like you need to go back to sleep...lol ...I enjoyed the contrast between the dream and the reality.
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteSheila, I do need to go back to sleep for real. I only slept a little last night, drove home, caught up on stuff and wrote this this evening so I'm happy it's being received well. I usually like for stuff I write to "rest" a little before putting it up but the day was nearly over. Maybe I'll post on onestopwednesday as I haven't anything else ready for it either. Thanks for your kindness!
This is excellent, Gay, Sometimes the spur of the moment stuff works well, though like you I like to let mine 'steep' usually. But here, you've captured a very pure mood in a lilting cadence, with a strong, sad, finish that evokes perfectly the feeling we often get when we look back and then wake up to the now. Now get some rest, girl!
ReplyDeleteYes very smooth a great compliment to Monet's painting it's as if you have converted his brush strokes to words
ReplyDeleteA beautiful Rondel Prime.
ReplyDeleteAnita
Not much else to say but captures the rhythm of river in the painting and through the center of the city itself. Lovely!
ReplyDeleteHow bittersweetly perfect the balance between the stanzas, where in dream time "contracts" and in waking it "attacks." The first stanza is so vibrantly awash in watercolors -- the moment stilled to a sigh; the second pointillist with all its holes of losses embroidered over time. OK, this is a lame ways to applaud so fine a poem. Clearly, two worlds stare at each other from the realms of dream and waking. The finesse of heart and sight here is fine, exhilarating, so ... exact. - Brendan
ReplyDeleteWhat lovely tempo and rythym in this gentle, slightly sad piece, as if the acceptance of time passing is only a matter of walking and watching reflections within and without. It's movement, like the silent contractions of birth and new life, or even just heart-beating, were mesmerizing and lovely. The only place that stopped me in my tracks, was the "Paris blue" as if the writer gave in to the form for the sake of rhyme. My mind repaired the broken flow by changing the word Paris to Parisian. You've written a truly beautiful poem here. Well Done!
ReplyDeletebeautiful, beautiful piece gay...i knew you would make us float across the page just like your writing
ReplyDelete...just two small things..i'm picky..smiles..
stanza breaks - it's two quatrains and a quintet..
and
"And robs both desire and sinew" cut the "both" to make it tetrameter and iambic
(i count de-si-re as three syllables - that's why - but may be also an issue how you would pronounce it...?)
ReplyDeletecame back to read it once more - and guess i was wrong - de-sire is two syllables and then it's perfect....so sorry....my german english...
ReplyDeletebut i should've known you would have it perfect - what else...
Dear Claudia - I broke the lines into two stanzas because of the time sequencing. I didn't know it wasn't flexible as form however that does make sense.
ReplyDeleteYes we pronounce is dee -zyre not deh sih ray which is prettier, I know. In fairness I would call the (both dee)foot a spondee...but I cheated a bit. That line stopped me too.