Gypsy
Brown eyes found mine; worlds fell apart.
Jupiter spun out of orbit;
fire rained, lakes burned, our souls forfeit.
Skin strained, eyes streamed, blood pumped my heart.
I reached for you-- cold stars streaked blue.
Consumed with lust, at last we'd start!
You turned away, the spell had split.
Brown eyes left mine; worlds fell apart.
Gay Reiser Cannon * 2011* All Rights Reserved
An octain written for Form Monday where the
rhyme scheme is A-b-b| a-c/c-a| b-A
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| Photograph for One Shoot Sunday courtesy of Walter Parada |
She sings with joy as new birds fly;
plumage and foliage mix each spring
when gypsy caravan's a-rolling.
They navigate by pole star sight.
Suitors implore her vacant door --
the road, her beacon, shines its light.
For the woman-child, travel brings
its wanderlust as all birds fly.
(c) Gay Reiser Cannon * 2011* All Rights Reserved
Magnetism
 |
| Silhouettes superimposed over magnetized iron filings |
Brown eyes found mine; worlds fell apart.
Jupiter spun out of orbit;
fire rained, lakes burned, our souls forfeit.
Skin strained, eyes streamed, blood pumped my heart.
I reached for you-- cold stars streaked blue.
Consumed with lust, at last we'd start!
You turned away, the spell had split.
Brown eyes left mine; worlds fell apart.
Gay Reiser Cannon * 2011* All Rights Reserved
An octain written for Form Monday where the
rhyme scheme is A-b-b| a-c/c-a| b-A
Wistful piece that tugged at my heart. Hope you are ok, Gay. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWhat a tale you have told, so powerful that the form becomes mere vehicle for the words.
ReplyDeleteMuch enjoyed.
MM - doing much better. Just a little down still.
ReplyDeleteKerry High praise from you. Thank you so much.
Gay
wow..brilliant use of the form. Intense..I really enjoyed it. Thanks Gay.
ReplyDeleteA perfect example of the form, and very emotive.
ReplyDeleteSuch a good piece Gay, you work so well in the form. Intensely emotional, I really enjoyed ~ Rose
ReplyDeleteOh Gay, that's really wonderful. Powerful emotion compacted in there. It's great.
ReplyDeleteBoth of these verse-pieces were excellent.
ReplyDeletewonderful versification
ReplyDeletegloriously tragic twist on the refrain in your Octain Magnetism. Assuming you're counting 8 and not going for iambs in this one?
ReplyDeleteFound this piece completely compelling; excellent write is all i can say. Love poetry sans cliche isn't easy at the best of times and to make it as interesting as this is just plain difficult.
On your HIgh Octain - 'wanderlust' is such a great word; images leap into my head just reading that one word alone. A great keyword/premise to base a piece around. Line 10 has nine syllables - 'foliage' is three, not two. Also wonder if you didn't stanza-break in purpose or left it till last and then forgot (as I often do!). It seem to work as two stanzas; I may offer that as an alternative format (I have an alternative format for the single Octain also now after seeing one blogger do something by accident and realising that in some cases it might be more effective).
Finding your second c/c midline line rhyme (score/bore) a little close and in danger of sounding slightly corny (I think the phrasing 'just a bore' could be more poetic, perhaps that's part of the issue - 'just' almost never works for me in poetry, one of those words that seems to mean little and make a phrase/line sound prosaic/clumsy even).
That said, you standards are high and my critique takes that into account. I love how you slipped 'rolling' in there as an end-rhyme, it works great and offers something a little different (the feminine in with masculine as the norm). Also your refrains varying and allowing the piece forward movement and some sense of real Narrative is appealing and cleverly woven into the fabric here.
Nice work Gay, enjoyed both.
For Luke: Comment gone - trying again. On Magnetism - just counting 8 as you said. Wanted it different in rhythm from last time.
ReplyDeleteThought the score/bore rhyme was cliche and probably corny or already somewhere in my head, when I re-read it. I was in danger of abandoning the piece though. Kept having to back track. (I told you this gypsy kept wandering off).
As to the form, I had re-written it in the original shape several times and had read some other poem posted which was written like this. I thought it fit symmetrically with what I'd written. It almost works but the timeline changes in the first stanza.
As to foliage - of course we say fole -uhj not fol-ee-ahge as you do. Did I look it up? uh-no again in danger of abandoning poem altogether as time kept slipping by. So I've changed to "blossoms" which is ok but doesn't do that internal rhyme thing I wanted.
If you come back again, Luke, I have changed the line. Hope it's better..at least not a cliche..could still be corny though. I'm pretty corn fed here in the LSS (that stands for Lone Star State). G
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who came by to read. I've enjoyed reading yours today as well. This has been a double challenge and I think we've all responded very well. Hurrah Us!!!
ReplyDeletehaha 'corn-fed' love that.... actually I find your poetry in general to be nicely lacking in cereals. Wow that's a much better line now, it really cooks. On 'foliage' - yeah, there are official numbers of syllables for US and Brits, but sometimes if it's the right word, we have to break those rules. If literally no other word will do, comes close aesthetically, and you in your accent genuinely pronounce it like that, then people do break these rules. Even Shakespeare did things like use a trochee in iambic meter every now and then if it was the perfect word.
ReplyDeletelove the whimsy feel of the first. enjoyed the variance of the refrain.
ReplyDeletethoroughly enjoyed the second, especially the twist of the refrain.
Wonderful piece...
ReplyDeleteenjoyed both pieces very much...quite nice how you turned the end sentence of the "low octain", very nice, indeed...read a bit of the commentary from Luke, but have no idea of your first go round, but must say loved your c/c writes, esp. for the "low octain" ~
ReplyDeleteYes, she does look like a gypsy. I like how the poem weaves from childhood to womanhood. Very nice.
ReplyDeletenice...i can relate to that gypsy in the wanderlust...this is the longest i have lived in one place...5 years...and i have been itching the last 3...
ReplyDelete