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Sunday, May 15, 2011

NO COVER


You left behind a dark imprint.
Made marks I couldn't wash away;
tattooed upon my mind, they stay.

A book of you indelibly inked
in blood red dye; words made me cry.
I never mistook your real intent.

I read the letters every day -
a frontispiece, a dark imprint.

An octain written for Form Monday where the 
rhyme scheme is A-b-b| a-c/c-a| b-A
(c) Gay Reiser Cannon * All Rights Reserved * 2011



25 comments:

  1. yes powerful....i was so absorbed that i didn't even realize it was an octain...

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  2. This is so good. I could feel the emotion.

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  3. I agree with Claudia, this is so well-written, and emotional, that you can barely recognise it's constrained into a form. Which is excellent writing. Top drawer.

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  4. Filled with emotion, Gay, what a wonderful write !
    JL&B

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  5. I believe 'powerful' has been said...and deservedly so. I liked your use of metaphor, emotion was palpable...great write ~ Rose

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  6. This is very good, strong images, good form.

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  7. There are singular people who may have such a complete and sometimes devastating effect on one's life. I found your words very moving.
    Excellent octain.

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  8. yes - love it -- but would lose the "i" in this line to make it tetrameter
    (I) never mistook your real intent.

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  9. Ah..the Texas accent again, Claudia. I scanned it with two anapests:
    A book| of you| in del|(i bly inked)
    and
    I nev|(er mis took)|your real|in tent
    making both lines tetrameter for me.
    however, the dictionary gives the stress on never on the first syllable.

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  10. I love the metaphor of ink to describe feelings of rejection, especially since the only "cure" is time, which fades both the loss and imprints. Excellent.

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  11. I find myself reading anapests as iambs sometimes, the dictionary says NEver, but I say nevER, love accents! The content is fabulous Gay, it took me ages to get the internal rhyme, and I like the way you've kept it simple, but hard hitting.

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  12. Very nice. Can read so much into this, take something different out of it each time I read. I like that, lets the reader draw their own conclusion. I read it as being metaphor for physical abuse--'dark imprint,' 'couldn't wash away.'
    Octain is 8 lines, 8 syllables per line. Three small things I noticed, probably a very quick fix: L4 and L6 scan as 9 syllables each, not 8 (at least as I pronounce them). Line 6 you might change "never" to ne'er as a quick fix. Not sure about Line 4. Also last word of L4 & L6 imperfect rhyme scheme, which I barely noticed until my last read through.
    All in all I really enjoyed this. Good photo chosen to go with it too.

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  13. Good work Gay.
    I found this a difficult form and I am forever putting the 'accent on the wrong syLLAble'.

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  14. beautiful! like the idea of it being "tatooed upon my mind" lovely imagery. the piece flows very smoothly.

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  15. So unique. There is a lot that you can read into this, that feeling of betrayal.

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  16. Thank you guys for coming by to read. I think this form is quite difficult to sound effortless and unforced. The challenge is the c/c line and it's the standout line. So I appreciate your approval. I'm enjoying yours as well.
    Gay

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  17. hmm. love this. Words can hurt. Nicely done.

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  18. Good example of form is engine of a poem so that the reader need not worry about as reading

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  19. Beautiful and well done on the form. I love this image 'tattooed upon my mind' :)

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  20. It's a fine write, Gay, in theme, phrasing and presentation; however the iambic tetrameter goes awry in one or two places and you actually have 9 syllables in two lines -


    'A book of you indelibly inked' >this would scan a basic tetrameter fine in speaking it because it's easy to put 'in DEL| ib LY' (as it should be in iambs) as in DEL | in ly INKED (ie. ending the line on an anapaest, or you could look at is as pronouncing 'indelibly' as a dactyl with upbeat unstressed syllable - 'in | DEL ib ly'). Something like

    'A book of you unfading/ed-inked' would sort the meter out, though I'm sure you can think of better than this (it may require some syntax shuffle and rewrite of the line)

    'I never mistook your real intent.' >again 9 syllables - reading like this (another trisyllabic in there)

    I NE | ver mis TOOK | your REAL | in TENT - foot two is anapaestic

    'not deceived by/I'll not get wrong real intent' or some such would make it iambic. I feel 'misconstrue' has a place in this somewhere... again, I'll leave it to you to rewrite the line if you wish.

    High standard poetry, as I'm accustomed to from Gay - particularly like

    Made marks I couldn't wash away;
    tattooed upon my mind, they stay.

    and then these set the reader up for the emotional impact of line seven

    I read the letters every day. - quite ordinary out of context, heartbreaking here. Certainly elicits the emotion. Also like the variation of the refrain. Frontispiece a great word.

    Hit me back if you want more on the meter of those lines

    Luke x

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