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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Lullabye


Rest
Rest as the songbirds trill
Hear them in the evening unstill
The moon's begun to croon, the breeze to moan
Don’t fret for the leaves that dance to the song
Beginnings and endings ever unfold
Brilliant as starlight when stories are told

Sleep,
Sleep at the end of the day
Your toys so tired after hours of play
Mealtime is over; the dolls tiptoed away
Those soft feathered wings have now taken flight
Let the new smells, sounds, colors and sights
Wake you  tomorrow with their bright new delights


alternate second:

Sleep,
Sleep at the end of the day
Your toys so tired after hours of play
Mealtime is over; the dolls tiptoed away
Those soft feathered wings have now taken flight
Through a twilight that paints a bright-ribboned sky
May you wake tomorrow to fresh new delights.

(c) Gay Reiser Cannon - 2011



Posted for Open Link Night @ dVersepoets

41 comments:

  1. lovely restful images ~

    i really like these lines:
    the dolls tiptoed away
    Those soft feathered wings have now taken flight
    Through a twilight that paints a bright-ribboned sky

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  2. That's funny - I was editing as you read and I deleted the line about the bright-ribboned sky. I can't decide whether to add it back or leave it out. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

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  3. Beginnings and endings roll on, in play and in sleep. It's a beautiful lullabye, with a full sense of dancing delights continuing on, through sleep, to eagerly anticipated morning.

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  4. Lovely images of childhood, wrapped in the safety and embracing melody of lullaby, full of a sense of peace. I like both endings. The first is more rhythmic with it's colors,sounds, list, and the second, more visual with the last line painting the twilight sky.

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  5. I like them both - the toys so tired after hours of play line made me smile. The second sleep stanza I like except that it doesn't have the end rhyme in line 6 like the other one does. wonder if you could rearrange and use twilight there instead of sky. Also, I love the new blog look!

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  6. Thank you. I suppose subconsciously I am making my poem an object of real crit. This is because I need more tutelage for Luke's crit. day. I need help with my own stuff and while I have ideas, and personal "rules" which I break all the time, I have very little sense of how other people can fix their poems. I am not invested in this piece at all. I wrote it to go with a series of night pieces I call the nocturnes. I'll take any and all suggestions for improving it. (this may include scrapping it all together).

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  7. smiles...i think either of them would work...they both emote the feeling of wanting to take a nap now...can you read it to me while i do? smiles.

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  8. I liked both... the one you were considering was a bit more abstract, so that was my fav! :)nice poem my friend

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  9. I love the idea of tired toys and dolls who tip toe away.

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  10. I'm liking this line "Beginnings and endings ever unfold..." as so they do. Pragmatic am I this evening!

    A SWEET read, Gay.

    Thank you for your help last week! I look forward to Friday

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  11. You create a little game with that title "Rest", given all the noise in that first stanza.

    Of the two second stanzas, I prefer the first. That stanza has cleaner meter and also maintains an identifiable rhyme scheme not present in the first stanza or in the second of the two second stanzas. The rhyming may not be a big deal if you conceive of each stanza as an individual poem. Combining them, though, I'd go for a consistent rhyme scheme.

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  12. I'm drifting on your words.

    What Maureen said about the two second stanzas.

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  13. ..for me, i prefer the last one you previously edited... the line with a bright-ribboned sky has a special effect to me when i read that simply amalgamates with the finale line... the second stanza has a softer flow i truly like.. thanks for the read!(:

    ~Kelvin S. M.

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  14. Feeling like I could nod off now...lovely lines, so peaceful..like your new blog look...I could just float away... :)

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  15. yes, i think i like the second version best, although both are wonderful, evoking such a sense of childhood memories, like a softly sung lullabye.

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  16. This is so lovely-- a true lulla-bye...xxxj

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  17. Gay! this is so sweet and peaceful...innocent.

    Today I was listening to "Wiegenlied", Strauss...and this reminds me so much of the gentleness of his work.

    There is a lovely song in there, and you have got the lyrics!!

    Lovely, Gay!

    Lady Nyo

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  18. Thank you everyone. I actually came up with a little melody as I wrote it today. I think it is a song. How sweet of you guys to come buy and read. I appreciate it. It's an honor to have your talent as an audience. You are so special -- all of you.

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  19. I lean toward the second because of the lovely visual, but both are lovely!

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  20. I really liked the first version... but what about trying it with this as 2nd to last line...

    Through a twilight that paints colors and sights

    just a thought... Beautiful images!

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  21. .
    Thanks Reflections, I certainly will consider it. Glad you liked it. I have a family friend whom I've watched grown up. She is having a little girl in October. I think I'll give it to her. Might get a blanket crocheted. It has been a hundred years since I've done one...but my fingers might remember how.

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  22. Lovely images in this. Liked both endings, but prefer the last one, especially the last two lines.

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  23. I love the images here. It feels so peaceful and sweet. :)

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  24. Gay, just wonderful, as always! Drifting away on the calmness, the peacefulness. This could be beautifully illustrated...but the image you chose is just as lovely as the words.

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  25. What a beautiful picture of child's play. I agree a children's picture book.

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  26. Lovely imagery Gay!

    •●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒჱܓ♥ ჱܓ
    (¯`*•.¸♥♫ ♫ B░E░A░U░T░I░F░U░L ♫ ♥¸.•*´¯*♥

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  27. I love the opening stanza - the unstill night.
    In my opinion the second version of stanza two has a more melodious flow.

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  28. This is so lovely--and whimsical with tired toys and the tip-toeing away of the dolls.

    I too liked your second version best.

    Gayle

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  29. This lullaby almost lulled me to sleep. lovely words with its own music!

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  30. This is a song without the music. But the music is in the words. This lullaby could lull me to sleep with its beautiful words. Lovely!

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  31. Dearest, I haven't been up and about and I am so glad I decided to drop by. The title is perfect. Reminds me of Picasso's painting of children. Thank you for making the night so delightful...

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  32. All three stanzas are beautiful. I have a special affinity for lullabies. Perhaps for your alternate second stanza, you could change the leading word to Dream and then edit some of the repeating lines, fit in in perfectly.

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  33. This poem moved me precisely because it invoked the memory of my mother...and what other symbol should pop up, right? But what in the world compelled this image?? I know EXACTLY what did: the imperatives used at the beginning of each stanza: "Rest...sleep," and that's exactly what mothers do. They use imperative verb forms. At least mine did.

    2nd stanza thought: I like the second choice over the first, only because I'm not fond of the word "smells" used in the first.

    Great poem...such a whispering feel to it!

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  34. Thanks Richard for that. I think a lot of lullabyes have commands although I didn't research it,..like Hush, little baby, don't you cry..
    Thanks to everyone for suggestions about the stanzas. I'm not sure I like the word "smells" either as it denotes bad ones; however, the ubiquitous "they" say that smells are one of the strongest triggers to memory. That's kind of funny, but true I think.

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  35. Thet're both good - but number 1 is my fav

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  36. A lovely, soft, sweet lullaby, so soothing to read after days of harsh words in the media. I like your rhyme scheme in the first version but both are good and isn't indecision maddening?

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  37. Beautiful and melodic... I like the first second stanza = )

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  38. Very sweet. I can picture the dolls tiptoeing away. I lean toward the first version. I really liked "Let the new smells, sounds, colors and sights
    Wake you tomorrow with their bright new delights". It is my favorite line, even before I read the second.

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  39. a beautiful lullaby that feels like a warm, gentle hug. i love the lines ~

    "Through a twilight that paints a bright-ribboned sky
    May you wake tomorrow to fresh new delights."

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  40. Very restful!
    All of it is soothing!
    Love the image.. hugs xoxox

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